To Win A Million
by Shikaku Zetsumei
Summary: [Old, Hiatus] How far would you go to win a million gil? Warning: INSANITY... Vinti, Yuffiroth, Cloris i suppose... if you call them pairings... :3 Chapter FOUR up!
1. Meet the Contestants:The Insanity Begins

Me: Well! With the start of a new year comes the start of a new STORY! YAY! This story was actually started on June 14, 2005, according to my computer… I recently decided that I needed more humor and was writing to many adventure stories! SOO… Here we go!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters that originally belong in the game. Everything else is mine though… HAHAHA! This is basically like one of those TV shows where people do stupid things and live together to compete for money. Hope you enjoy it!

Additional Note: To WyvrenWing: I'll be continuing FFVII – Rewritten soon… the chapter's about a page done

**Final Fantasy VII – To Win a Million**

Chapter 1 – Meet the Contestants: The Insanity Begins

Once upon a time, there was a man named Shikaku Zetsumei. He lived in peaceful Wutai. Of course, this had been disrupted when the members of AVALANCHE had passed through. Weeks later, they had stopped Meteor and defeated Sephiroth. The members were happy. Each went their separate ways after the Planet was saved. It looked like all was well. Little did they know, the man that they had met only briefly in Wutai was one of the legendary AUTHORS! These people were known to weave, in separate worlds, the fates of those who lived on the Planet. This is the story of how this one author made these brave heroes' lives hell… (Krakow! Mysterious lightning strikes for effect…)

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The host, none other than the great Shikaku Zetsumei, walked out into the middle of the room.

"And we are here to play To Win a Million! These brave people will live in this house during the duration of the game!" Zetsumei grinned at the camera. "AND HEEERRRREEEEE ARE THE CONTESTANTS!"

The camera zoomed to the right.

"First up, we have the brave blonde (undertone…) with the identity crisis (normal voice) CLOUD STRIFE!"

Cloud stared blankly at the screen.

"Um… hi there…"

"Next up! We have the busty bartender, TIFA LOCKHEART!"

"Hi everybody! Hi Cloud!"

Cloud just smiled.

"Next, we have the giant, black guy with that gun… BARRET WALLCE!"

"Hey! That's racist!"

"Sorry!" hehe…

"Jus watch yer mouth!"

"Anyway, next we have the pretty flower girl (undertone) cough… slum drunk… (normal voice) AERIS GAINSBOROUGH!"

She came out and smiled sweetly at crowd.

"HI AERIS!" Cloud shouted, waving wildly.

"Hiya Cloud!" She said.

Tifa looked as if she wanted to kill someone.

"Next up! Our favorite furry friend… NANAKI!"

He came into the room and looked at the audience.

"Why did I come here again…?"

"Because you did. Next up is the creepy vampire from the crypts… VINCENT VALENTINE!"

He glided into the room.

"okay…"

"What is the point to this… why does this game exist…?"

"I said, okay! I'm the host! NOT YOU!"

"-sighs- no reason to live…"

"Dammit… he's rambling again… someone hit him or something…"

Tifa whacked Vincent and he collapsed onto the stage.

"Next! We have the spunky Wutai princess/ninja… YUFFIE KISARAGI!"

Yuffie did several handsprings onto the stage.

"Thank you! Thank you!" She shouted, clearly enjoying the attention.

"Okay! Next we have the chimney from Rocket town… CID HIGHWIND!"

"Shut the -bleep- up!"

"Sorry folks. If you want that kind of language, go to Comedy Central or the rated 'M' stories…"

"Get the -bleep- on with the show!"

"Okay! Okay! geez… Next we have… something… I can't read it's handwriting… It appears to say Cait Sith…"

Everyone on stage groaned. Cait Sith bounded onto the stage.

"Hello." He said.

"Go away. I don't like you."

"Well, I want the money."

"Whatever…"

Zetsumei looked around the room at the contestants.

"Well, it looks like we are missing one person if we want to compete in the game. So here is your first vote!"

Two figures walked out onto the stage. Everyone gasped.

"YOU!" Everyone shouted, pointing at either one of the two.

"Well. Which is it gonna be. Will your final member be… Sephiroth?"

"If you don't choose me, I'll kill you all!"

"Or Chaos?"

"If you don't choose _me_, I'll kill you all!"

"I wondered why it was so quiet in my head…" Vincent muttered.

Everyone stayed in silence for some time…

"Do we have to vote…?" Tifa asked.

"Yes."

Zetsumei passed out tiny slips of paper and pencils. Then he went around with a box and collected the slips. He counted up the results.

"And the final result is… SEPHIROTH, with a total count of seven versus two!"

"Who voted for Chaos?" Vincent growled.

"Who voted for Sephiroth?" Cloud grumbled.

"Bye bye, Chaos!" Zetsumei waved.

"Why you little…!"

Chaos tried to kill Zetsumei. He snapped his fingers. A giant mob came out and tackled him. Chaos was dragged out of the room. A while later, a test tube was brought back in.

"Here ya go, Vince! Chaos!"

"NOO! Why couldn't you just keep him!"

"Because he keeps trying to escape to destroy the world."

Everyone stared at Vincent, seeing him act like this for the first time.

"He must really hate Chaos..." everyone thought.

Chaos was injected back into Vincent.

"Now we have to choose the groups! The machine shall now choose!"

The machine bleeped and the results were shown on the screen.

Cloud, Aeris "Yay! Aeris!" Cloud cheered.

Cid, Barret "God dammit!" Both cursed.

Tifa, Vincent "I'm gonna kill you Cloud…" Tifa muttered.

Nanaki, Cait Sith "Great. I get the cat."

"AHHHHH!" Yuffie was already screaming before the last group was shown.

Yuffie, Sephiroth "AHH!"

"Now. You shall be shown your living quarters!"

The contestants were led to a fairly large house.

"Each team gets one room with one bed and one bathroom…"

The only people that seemed partially happy or content about this were Nanaki, Cait Sith, Cloud, and Aeris. Everyone else was silently planning ways to kill Zetsumei. Here's a glimpse at their thoughts.

"Why that… little punk… wait… breath in… breath out… don't kill just yet… remember what Zangan taught you…" Tifa.

"Demons… I shall give you total control over this matter…" Vincent.

"Hope Marlene ain't watching this… damn… I don't have ammo with me… oh well... I can still beat him to death..." Barret.

"-bleep-! Bastard's asking for the Venus Gospel shoved up his ass…" Cid.

"How dare he mess with the Great Ninja Yuffie… I wonder if Godo still does beheading..." Yuffie.

"I wonder what he'd look like with my masamune sticking out of his neck… or maybe cut up into tiny bits…" Sephiroth.

Zetsumei continued, unperturbed.

"Kitchen is downstairs. Don't worry. There's food in the fridge. I won't be starving you."

Of course, decent food was the least of their worries.

"I will notify you of your task after you have settled down."

Zetsumei walked off. The teammates grudgingly trooped up into their rooms. They all thought things like, "Why did I join this game?" and "Chaos is so lucky…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Cloud and Aeris's Room)

"So… shall we share the bed?"

"Sure, Cloud!" Aeris said smiling.

(Tifa and Vincent's Room)

"So… What do we do?"

"You can have the bed."

"What about you?"

"I will sleep on the floor." Vincent said, grabbing his pillow.

(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)

"I'll just shut myself off."

"That will work."

(Cid and Barret's Room)

"God dammit! I want the bed!"

"So do I!"

"I sure as hell ain't gonna sleep with you!"

"Shut up, Chimney!"

"Fine! Rock, paper, scissors."

"Fine!"

"Loser sleeps on the floor."

"Fine."

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

"Dammit!"

Barret slept on the ground for the duration of the game.

(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)

"Come on! Shouldn't you be a gentleman and let me take the bed?"

"No. Are you questioning my authority?"

"Eep… no…"

The rest of the day was spent exploring the rest of the house and whatnot.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Everyone slept peacefully for the most part. Except…

(Cloud and Aeris's Room)

Nothing happened you sickos…

(Tifa and Vincent's Room)

They slept. Nothing else. What else do you want me to write here?

(Cid and Barret's Room)

"God dammit, Chimney! Stop snoring!" Barret hissed, whacking Cid with his pillow.

"-bleep-! What the -bleep- did you do that for?"

"Stop snoring! You'll wake everyone up!"

"Stop yer -bleep- in' griping!" Cid grumbled as he fell asleep again.

(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)

Cait Sith was shut off in a corner as Nanaki lay on the bed.

(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)

Sephiroth's sharp hearing picked up the chattering of teeth.

"Damn… I'm gonna regret this…" he muttered as he set her in the bed and sat down on the floor.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They awoke the next morning.

(Cloud and Aeris's Room)

"Good morning, Cloud!"

"Good morning, Aeris!"

(Tifa and Vincent's Room)

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine. Thanks, Vince."

(Cid and Barret's Room)

"Yo! Wake up, old man!" Barret kicked the bed.

"(snorts) Wha! -bleep-! It's morning already!"

"Yeah! Get yer lazy ass out of bed!"

"Shut the -bleep- up!"

(Nanaki and Cait Sith's Room)

"Hmm… How do I turn this thing on…"

He pondered upon the matter for some time.

"Oh. Here's the switch."

He flipped on the switch that was inside the cat's mouth with a claw.

(Yuffie and Sephiroth's Room)

"Hey, Sephiroth?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks…"

"Hmph…"

The General walked off.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They sat yawning in the main foyer.

"Get ready, folks! Cuz this is your first game!"

They all stared blankly at the host, who had his arms raised high above his head. Apparently he was the only one who thought this any fun. Slowly, Cait Sith raised his hands above his head in imitation.

"Congratulations! Cait Sith and Nanaki win the first game!"

"WHAT!" Everyone else shouted.

"Yay!" Cait Sith cheered.

"Just kidding."

"Darn…" Cait Sith sighed.

"Out here! THIS IS YOUR FIRST GAME!" He gestured outside.

Everyone, well… almost everyone, gasped.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Me: Haha… how was it? Lame? Good? Funny? Stupid? Next Chapter… THE FIRST GAME! Will be extremely funny! READ AND REVIEW!


	2. Chocobo Racing

Me: HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! AH HAHAHAAA! POWER TO THE COMMIES! COMMUNISM! RULE THE WORLD! AAAAHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Sera: What are you doing?

Me: I WILL RULE THE WORLD! I WILL KILL EVERYONE! I…(suddenly notices everyone watching) uh… ahem… hello all!

Audience: (silence…)

Me: Ah ha… ah… anyway! This first game is here! Read and find out what happens!

Audience: (dead silence…)

Sera: Um… I think you should start…

Me: SERA! HI! How are you doing!

Vincent: Stop shouting.

Me: Vampy!

Sera: (slightly angry) You're neglecting us! I'm still stuck in hell!

Me: Eh hehe… well… ask the audience! They're the ones not reviewing… it's their fault! (points accusingly at audience)

Audience: (prepares random weapons…)

Me: Uh… I… uh… gotta go… somewhere… so… I'll… be… leaving… NOW! (runs away chased by audience)

Sera: **READ EXILE**!

Vincent: That's his line.

Sera: (pouts) Well, he isn't here to say it! Let's go

Both disappear.

**Final Fantasy VII – To Win a Million**

Chapter 2 – Chocobo Racing

"Your first actual game… will be Chocobo Racing!" An extremely hyper Zetsumei shouted.

"What the -bleep-? That's all -bleep- in' it?"

"Yep! A simple game of race the chocobo! I have provided you all with a top-notch gold chocobo!"

"This looks robotic…" Cloud peered at a chocobo.

It gave a metallic wark and poked him in the head.

"Yeah. They are robots, but they can perform at Gold Chocobo quality! They even tire in the same exact way. In other words, they are robotic clones of Gold Chocobos! AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"This guy's crazy…" Yuffie whispered to the closest person, Sephiroth.

"Why don't we just use regular live chocobos then?" Vincent asked.

"Because we've signed a contract that no animals shall be hurt during the production of this game."

"Hurt?" Tifa looked perplexed.

"Yep! I'll explain as you race!"

Each team rode tandem on one robot.

"This is so weird…" Aeris said as she sat in front of Cloud. "They're made of metal…"

"-bleep-! I want to steer!"

"You can't steer on your life!"

"Rock paper scissors!"

"Damn!"

Cid steered. (A/N: Cid seems to be better at rock paper scissors doesn't he?)

"Ready? On your mark… get set… GO!"

The five chocobos took off. Zetsumei stood in the announcers box, giving out instructions.

"You will race around this arena five times! Obviously, the chocobo cannot run that long! It is your job to control how fast it goes so it does not waste stamina. Just a suggestion… don't go slower than forty miles an hour! The chocobo has a screen telling you how fast you are going! Also, there's a gauge for your stamina! Have fun!"

Everyone who wasn't steering looked at the screen.

"We're going too fast! Slow down!" Aeris shouted.

"Why? We're ahead of everyone…"

Cloud, since he had been in about a hundred times more races than the others, was being cocky and zooming ahead of everyone. Their stamina was dropping like a rock in water.

"Cloud! You idiot! We're out of stamina!" Their bird started to pant and slow down.

Though they were still far ahead of everyone, they were pretty much walking. The others started to gain distance. Then, their chocobo exploded, causing Cloud and Aeris to be flung far over into the stands.

"Ah! Gomen! I forgot to tell you! If you go lower than forty, your chocobo will explode, causing maximum damage without killing you!"

The racing air became much tenser. Some people were freaking out.

"Come on, Sephiroth! We have to control this right!"

"We'll be fine. Are you questioning my skills?"

"Fine? FINE! If this chocobo goes slower than forty miles an hour, IT'S GONNA EXPLODE! YOU CALL THAT FINE!"

"If you'd just SHUT UP! I will get us through this!"

Meanwhile, Nanaki was having slight trouble controlling the chocobo. Now, you're probably wondering, why is he controlling the chocobo?

"You doing okay, Nanaki?" The cat asked as the moogle held onto its tail.

"Just… peachy! I almost got the hang of it."

The cat was hanging under the chocobo.

"Just a few more seconds…" the cat snipped at some wires. "There!"

The moogle took control of the chocobo.

"Now we can race without worries! It won't explode anymore."

"Hey! That's cheap!" Everyone else yelled.

"No its not! If you are smart enough to disarm the bomb, I never said you couldn't…" Zetsumei called out.

They continued to race. Nanaki and Cait Sith were in first and Yuffie and Sephiroth in second. Cid and Barret were tied in third with Tifa and Vincent.

"-bleep-! We gotta get into third place!" Cid urged the bird on.

"You dumbass! Didn't you hear him? This bird'll explode!"

"So what?"

"All those cigs must've gone to yer brain!" Barret jerked the reigns out of Cid's hands.

"Let go, muther -bleep- er!"

"No! You suck at riding!"

"Give me the -bleep- in' reigns!"

Unbeknownst to them, while they were arguing, Tifa and Vincent had pulled ahead and their bird was slowing down.

"Oh, shit! Look at our speed!"

"Go faster you dumb -bleep-!"

"AHHH!"

BOOOMMM!

Cid cursed as he and Barret were sent flying into the stands.

"Our bird is dead too." Vincent stated. "Pulling ahead didn't do it much good…"

"What do we do?"

"Off."

"What?"

Vincent grabbed Tifa and leapt off the bird. It kept going forward and exploded after several seconds.

"Now we have our third place team! Tifa and Vincent!" Zetsumei shouted and their names appeared in the third place slot.

"At least we're safe and we won something…" Vincent said.

"Thanks, Vince."

"… Let's go."

They headed into the stands to watch the remainder of the race. Cait Sith and Nanaki could race normally without the threat of the bomb. This meant that Yuffie and Sephiroth had to stay back slightly in fear of going to fast and using up what little stamina they had left.

"Fifty yards and closing!" Zetsumei shouted.

"We're gonna make it!" Cait Sith shouted happily.

The tore across the finish line and slowed to a stop.

"Yes!" The little cat did a dance on the mog's head.

"We're running out of stamina!"

"Who cares! We're already second!"

"I don't want to get blown up!" Yuffie screeched.

Sephiroth suddenly pushed the bird to go at its fastest. This lasted for about two seconds and the stamina gauge blinked empty.

"AHH! We're gonna die!"

They did not die, though… Because of the boost in speed, they crossed the finish line before they dropped below forty miles per hour.

"Yay! We didn't die! I love you, just kidding, but we didn't die!" Yuffie ran around in circles shouting random prayers to Leviathan.

Several medical teams came out and hauled Cid, Barret, Cloud, and Aeris off to the hospital. Zetsumei walked into the midst of the remaining people.

"Okay. Here's the deal. When you get first place, you get five points. Second receives three, and third receives one. All else receive none. By the end of this game, you need the highest score to win the one million gil!"

"Sure…" everyone replied.

They returned to the houses for a good night's sleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

It was three in the morning. Everyone was sleeping peacefully.

"EVERYBODY UP!" Zetsumei ran throughout the halls screaming.

Many fell out of bed in surprise. They came out of their rooms, in pajamas and still sleepy.

"What the -bleep- did you call us out at three in the morning for…?"

"I honestly have no clue!" Zetsumei shouted.

"Stop shouting…" Vincent said.

"NO!"

"Gods! What is your problem!" Yuffie screeched.

"Sugar and coffee are GOOD!"

Zetsumei ran around in circles for some time. Sephiroth walked up behind him and knocked him out with the hilt of the masamune.

"Amen to that!" Everyone muttered and walked back to their respective rooms.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Zetsumei awoke in the same spot he had been several hours ago. In his sick, evilly twisted mind, he fumed at the mistreatment. He got up and walked off, silently plotting their downfall.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They walked downstairs in the morning to see a peculiar sight. Zetsumei stood in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" Barret asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"I'm making breakfast as a way of saying, 'I'm sorry for waking you up at three in the morning.'"

Everyone stared at him, all wondering the same thing.

'Is he on crack?'

"Well, you all enjoy your breakfast. The next game will be held soon! I'll be back after you all finish."

Everyone took several tentative bites.

"Hey, this is pretty good…" Cloud said and continued eating.

Everyone else followed suite, completely unaware that a small camera was watching their every movement…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Zetsumei sat at the security desk, watching the contestants eat. He laughed evilly.

"Yes… eat your breakfast… hahaha… this is your punishment for attacking me…"

A guard entered the room.

"Sir… what are you doing in here?"

"Huh? What?"

"Shouldn't you be hosting the show?"

"Oh, right…"

He walked out of the small guard's station.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Zetsumei walked into the dining room where everyone was just finishing their breakfast.

"Okay, peoples! Let's go!"

They followed Zetsumei out into the garden.

"Ooh…" Aeris gasped.

The garden had been turned into a giant hedge maze. (Not from -bleep- in' Harry Potter!) Zetsumei ushered them in.

"Okay! Each group find a number to stand on!"

Everyone stood on a number, one through five.

"Oh, you'll need your weapons for this game!" Zetsumei said.

Their weapons appeared on a little table in front of them.

"Stay right there!"

Zetsumei rushed off. All of a sudden, metal walls sprung up between the groups, separating them from each other and connecting with one of five paths leading into the maze. A small television screen popped out of a side wall. On it, Zetsumei no longer looked like the kind host that had served them breakfast this morning.

"HAHAHA!" He laughed. "Let's see you win this one!"

"What!" Everyone cried.

"That food you ate was poisoned! The antidote is at the center of this maze! And don't even think about climbing the walls! There's electric fencing at the top! The groups who get the antidote shall be awarded first, second, and third. There are three bottles, each enough for two people. But never fear! If you lose, you won't die! You'll just collapse and we'll send a chopper to get you… unless the creatures do first! AH HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!" The screen went black and retracted back into the wall.

After a moment's pause, everyone started to run.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Me: End! HAHAHA!


	3. A Breather At The Cost Of Others

Me: WOW! So many reviews! THANK YOU ALL! Here's Chapter three!

**Final Fantasy VII – To Win a Million**

Chapter 3 – A Breather At The Cost Of Others

Let's recap now, shall we?

We last saw our heroes running for their lives… literally. Stuck in a hedge maze with the poison in their system working ever faster, they must get to the center and the antidote.

Score wise…

Cloud/Aeris: Absolutely none.

Vincent/Tifa: 1

Barret/Cid: Also none.

Nanaki/Cait Sith: 5

Yuffie/Sephiroth: 3

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Cloud ran into the fifth dead end. He stared for a moment at the wall, as if confused at why it was there.

"CLOUD!" Aeris shrieked. "YOU STUPID CHOCOBO HEAD!"

"We were going the right direction…"

"No! We went off course five left turns ago!"

"Oh…" he continued to stare at the wall.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"What if we cut this wall?"

He took out his sword and hacked through the brambles.

"You know? That's the smartest thing you've done all day!"

Unbeknownst to them, Zetsumei had set up traps within the walls as well. A Malboro sprang out of the wall and breathed on them, causing Aeris to become berserk and confused so that she started attacking Cloud… or maybe she just wanted to attack him anyway. Whatever.

"Ahh!" Cloud cried in pain as the metal staff whacked repeatedly over his head. "Stop attacking me!"

"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" She shouted as she redoubled her attacks.

Thus she chased Cloud throughout the maze, shooting ice and fire at him.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, Cid and Barret seemed to be having trouble determining which way was the right way.

"No you dumb -bleep- head!" Cid shouted. "The antidote was at the center of the maze! That's this way!" He shouted, gesturing at one fork in the road.

"Are ya stoned or somthin'!" Barret shouted back. "We're supposed to continue straight from our starting point! The antidote's this way!"

"Oh yeah! What makes you so -bleep- in' sure about that, you gun-totin' freak!"

"How are ya so sure it's that way, ya pansy-assed white-boy!" Barret countered.

"YOU WANNA GO!" Cid screamed.

"BRING IT ON, CRACKER!" Barret yelled back.

In a matter of seconds, they were rolling on the floor, punching and kicking whenever and wherever they could…

"I'll just have to beat some -bleep- in' sense into you!" Cid shouted punching Barret in the gut.

"Yeah right! Ya muther -bleep- er! Once I beat da shit out of you, I'll throw away all dem cancer sticks, you stupid f…"

The cameras turned away from the action seeing as the censoring machine had just broken down…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Tifa could feel something burning inside her body. She gasped in pain as convulsions took place, a side effect of the poison. Vincent turned at the sound.

"Tifa?" He asked.

"I'm… fine…" she said before she cried out again as the poison attacked her body.

"Tifa!" He shouted as she collapsed onto the ground. "Dammit!"

Vincent hoisted her onto his back as he started to dash through the maze.

'_Vincent!'_ Chaos shouted.

'**Quiet, heathen!'**

'_Oi! Dumbass! Listen to me!'_

'**WHAT!'** Vincent roared.

'_You can fly you know!'_

Vincent blinked, slightly taken aback.

'**Gah… shut up…'** He said in embarrassment.

He transformed and carried Tifa into the air. There was a screech as a score or two of Zuus attacked Chaos.

"OUT OF MY WAY, WEAKLINGS!" He shouted, slashing at them. "AH HAHAHAAAA!"

Several fell from the slash and several more fell from the skulls that appeared out of nowhere to attack the birds.

"DIE! DIE! DIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Chaos shouted in glee as he hacked through the feathery bodies.

Finally, the rest fell with their slain brethren from a final attack.

"May death cure your stupidity…" Chaos laughed as he did a victory pose.

"**WILL YOU HURRY UP, YOU STUPID DEMON!"** Vincent shouted from within his head.

_"Grrr… fine…"_

Chaos soared around until he found the center of the maze. He dived for it and landed in the clearing. Sephiroth and Yuffie were already there, looking worn out and exhausted, but healthy none the less.

"Took you that long to get here, Valentine?" Sephiroth quipped.

"Shut up…" he muttered uncorking a bottle.

He poured half of it in Tifa's mouth, massaging her throat so as to get the antidote down. Then he drank the rest of the bitter concoction. In a bit, the burning in his chest eased and Tifa's eyes slowly opened.

"What happened?"

"Apparently you took in a larger amount of the poison than I did." Vincent explained.

"Oh… Where are the others?"

Vincent pointed at Sephiroth and Yuffie.

"Hey, Teef!" Yuffie said. "Feeling better?"

"Lots. Where is everyone else?"

Vincent gestured at the thick foliage that surrounded them.

"They're still out there?"

"Yes."

"I hope they're okay…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"This way." Nanaki said calmly, turning a corner and sniffing the air again.

Cait Sith beeped.

"Something large coming this way." He said, preparing a death spell.

Seconds later, a green dragon swooped down from above and breathed a jet of flames at them. Nanaki dodged out of the way, but Cait Sith wasn't so lucky. He was burnt to a crisp as the fabric of the moogle shriveled away to ash. The cat leapt off the destroyed moogle and onto Nanaki.

"Let's get out of here!" He shouted as they dashed down the leafy corridors.

Nanaki continued following Zetsumei's scent as Cait fired spells at the dragon in a vain attempt to ward it off. They burst through the thick foliage into the clearing where Yuffie, Sephiroth, Tifa, Vincent, and, strangely enough, Aeris and Cloud were waiting. The eight of them were more than enough to dispatch of the dragon, or at least ward it off.

"How did you guys get here so fast!" Cait whined.

"By accident really…" Cloud said. "Aeris had gone berserk and confused so I was running away from her and suddenly we were in this clearing! One of them," Cloud gestured to the other two teams, "cast esuna on Aeris and we drank the potion."

Cloud seemed quite happy with his explanation, so nobody felt it was necessary to tell him that nobody had moved a finger when he burst into the clearing followed by a quite sane Aeris.

"No worries." Nanaki said. "I didn't eat any. I knew it was poisoned…"

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US!" Everyone shouted.

"I couldn't." Nanaki explained. "Zetsumei silenced me."

"And I'm a robot!" Cait piped up.

"We know…" everyone else groaned.

"Well…" Nanaki looked around. "Where is Cid and Barret?"

Everyone looked around but could find no trace of the smoking pilot or the one armed gunner. Suddenly, helicopter blades were heard as a helicopter came into view. About five feet away from the ground, the door opened and a leg kicked out none other than Zetsumei.

"Ow…" he said as the rest of them glared at him. "Uh… Hi, guys…"

"Apologize to them!" A voice shouted from the helicopter.

"But Hikaru…" Zetsumei whined. "They were being mean to me…"

"I don't CARE!" Hikaru shouted. "You either apologize or you're spending the night in this Goddamned maze!"

A woman with long brown hair and wearing a red shirt and black pants stepped onto the ledge, she was distinctly Wutain and seemed pretty pissed off. (For better descriptions, read Assassin…)

"Fine…" Zetsumei looked at the group. "Sorry for getting you guys in this mess… I'll still give you points. But uh…" he paused and looked around. "Are all of you cured?"

"I didn't eat any." Nanaki replied.

"Uh huh… so where are the other two?"

"They're still in the maze!" Tifa gasped, worried.

"Well, come on!" Zetsumei started climbing the rope ladder that was dropped from the helicopter. "Let's go find them!"

They left the clearing and soared over the tall bushes. A couple feet from the start, Barret and Cid were still fighting. Fortunately, the whir of helicopter blades drowned out the cussing. (Just a side note: Barret was going the right way…)

"That's funny… they should have collapsed by now…" Zetsumei commented.

As if on cue, the two fell flat on their faces.

"Uh… that's probably not a good sign…" Cloud said. "Should we… like… leave them there?"

Everyone ignored his comment as Hikaru and Zetsumei leapt out of the hovering helicopter and brought the two on board.

"We need to give them medical treatment fast!" Hikaru said.

They headed back to the mansion to heal the two bruised and battered men.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Scores:

Cloud/Aeris: 1

Vincent/Tifa: 4

Barret/Cid: None.

Nanaki/Cait Sith: 5

Yuffie/Sephiroth: 8

………………………………………………………………………………………………

After they had left the two men in the ICU, Hikaru turned to them.

"Well. I might as well say this now. Welcome to To Win A Million. I'm your co-host, Ayari Hikaru. I'm in charge of making sure that the games are safe. I would've been here sooner… but," Hikaru gave Zetsumei a glare. "Somebody told me the game was starting today…"

"Eh hehe… sixteen looked like an eighteen…"

"That's why you don't get drunk before an important call…" Hikaru explained with forced calm.

She then turned back to the group.

"Anyway. We have to wait for these two to wake up, so you can have the rest of the day and tomorrow off. We'll commence game three then." Hikaru said.

She suddenly whirled and punched Zetsumei in the gut, causing him to collapse.

"This moron shouldn't cause you any more trouble…" she said, dragging him off.

So the group dispersed to take a break from the insane race they went through in the morning as Cid and Barret lay in critical condition from the poison. After some time, Nanaki spoke.

"Did she give them medicine…?"

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Me: Alrighty! Hope you liked this chapter! I already have plans for the next competition… I think… let's see if I can make it funny… :D


	4. More Random Shit

Me: Wee! Another fun chapter after an indefinite amount of haitus!

**Final Fantasy VII – To Win a Million**

Chapter 4 – More Random Shit

(I had this scene and wanted to put it down… :) )

Zetsumei groaned as he opened his eyes. In the background, he could hear helicopter blades.

"Where am I…? Hikaru?" He looked around and saw she was sitting close by.

"The helicopter's on hover… I thought we could spend some alone time," she said seductively drawing nearer.

"H-Hikaru…? What are you doing…?" Zetsumei stammered inching back.

One thing he learned from his experience with Hikaru was that she would never do something like this. There was always something…

"Actually, you CAN spend the night in this GODDAMNED MAZE!" She yelled as she kicked him out the door.

Ahh… there it was… needless violence… With a sigh, Hikaru sat down in the pilot's seat and few back to the mansion. Zetsumei landed with a thud on the damp earth, the chirp of strange creatures drawing near…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

(In the morning…)

Sephiroth came outside to do some light running before breakfast. He stretched, looking at the still rising sun. He walked several steps forward before almost tripping over a semi-dead body. Sephiroth peered at it.

"H…Help… me…" Zetsumei coughed slightly.

It appeared that he have suffered many abrasions, cuts, burns, scratches, and other wounds. Sephiroth shrugged slightly. He was still alive so he would be fine. Thus, Sephiroth went off to jog around the track, leaving the still figure in front of the house.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Hikaru stood in front of the gathered masses, watching as they yawned slightly, and waiting for her announcement.

"Well. I've got some good news and some normal news for you guys."

"No bad news?" Cait Sith asked.

Hikaru frowned slightly in annoyance.

"Well, I have some bad news too. Your moogle won't come in until next Friday."

"Aw…" Cait Sith whined.

"Anyway. The good news is that, because Cid and Barret are still in critical condition, only one of you will receive zero points today."

The gathered masses stared slightly.

"That's supposed to be good news…?" Yuffie commented slightly.

After yesterdays tense race through the hedge maze, they had returned sore and tired, with a severely poisoned Cid and Barret. However, due to certain circumstances, they didn't receive treatment until a couple hours after they got back to the mansion, when Nanaki sniffed out where the antidote was hidden.

"In other news," Hikaru continued. "The test today is a simple one. No real threat to your lives and completely doable. One of your team will have to swim through an obstacle course in order to get a small key, while the other is locked to a bicycle. That teammate will have to pedal as fast as they can to keep the checkpoints in the obstacle course open. While they are open, the first teammate must swim through, obtain the key, and swim back before the gates shut again. Upon freeing your teammate, you will be declared the winner."

Everyone sighed slightly. This test seemed normal enough. Hikaru continued.

"Now you four, will bike." She pointed at Vincent, Sephiroth, Cait Sith, and Cloud. "I've prepared swimsuits for the ladies and, um… Nanaki here doesn't need one."

"How true indeed," mused the cat, frowning slightly at the water.

Minutes later and the competitors had gathered again. Hikaru locked the bikers to their bikes, Cait Sith being in a smaller bike. She turned to face them.

"Ready?... GO!" The race was on.

Immediately, the bikers noticed that this was no normal challenge. It seemed that, no matter how much they pedaled the gates only opened by a fraction. Even the ones with an unlimited energy source, that being Cait Sith, couldn't seem to open the doors more than two feet.

"This… is incredibly dangerous…" Cloud muttered straining at the pedals.

"Wonder what happens if we stop pedaling…" Cait Sith said, stopping for a brief second.

Almost immediately, the gate Nanaki was swimming through slammed shut with a force that was felt by the bikers a hundred meters away. Nanaki barely made it through, instincts propelling him forward as he sensed movement.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Nanaki roared. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?! KILL ME?!"

Everyone was silent, questioning this normally calm feline's abnormally violent response. Nanaki growled slightly and then returned to swimming, clearly pissed off at the situation.

"That's funny…" Hikaru commented. "They should be easy to open…"

As for the swimmers, they too noticed a difference in the course. There were obstacles. Live obstacles. Live obstacles that had teeth and were probably kind of pissed from being cooped up in the tiny space between gates. Large grey obstacles that were quickly noticing the presence of the swimmers trying to get through the gates…

"SHARK!" Yuffie yelped as she barely propelled herself away from the razor sharp teeth that rocketed by.

Of course, the thrashing and screaming merely provoked the sharks into a crazier frenzy.

"You said this was safe!" Cloud shouted as he struggled to work the gates open via a bike that seemed to becoming harder and harder to pedal.

"It was!" Hikaru shouted back. "Someone's tampered with the game!"

The cameraman zoomed in on the struggling swimmers. All around the Planet, people watched in horror as the sharks closed in yet again.

"Wait a minute! Where the hell did that guy come from?! And was it ever mentioned that the last couple matches were being televised?!" Cait Sith shouted.

Hikaru looked at the cameraman.

"This is Hank. He's filming your endeavors. He's been here since the first game."

Hank waved.

"You can't just introduce characters just because you forgot to mention people!" Cait Sith complained, slowing slighting in his pedaling.

This caused the gates that Nanaki was attempting to get through, to get away from the shark, to close on him. This forced him to continue dancing around with the shark as it tried to get its lunch. Nanaki seemed to snap.

"CAIT! IF YOU DON'T KEEP PEDALING I WILL RIP YOUR PUNY LITTLE BODY APART IF I EVER GET OUT OF THIS PLACE ALIVE!"

Hank zoomed in on the drenched, pissed off Nanaki.

"Hmm…" Hikaru mused. "Don't suppose he likes water too much…"

"How true…" Hank said as he continued to film.

"Fua hahahahaaa!" A voice came from the opposite side of the pool. "Enjoying your swim?!"

A completely insane Zetsumei stood laughing in glee at the struggling contestants. Little twigs and bits of dirt scattered as he flailed his arms. He seemed to have run through the maze again in order to get to the pool.

"This is MY mansion! MY RULES!" He shouted happily. "Careful bikers! Biking slower makes the resistance increase! In fact, so does biking normally! And these are live sharks! You can't kill them cuz PETA will come after us if you do!"

Hikaru turned to the camera.

"We apologize for the temporary setback we've just encountered in this game. The station holds no responsibility for the hiring of this staff member, he was hired merely for the use of this mansion. We will deal with him promptly. Thank you and please, enjoy watching To Win a Million."

The bikers had begun to tire, the swimmers were beginning to move more sluggishly as the adrenaline began to take its toll. The sharks circled hungrily, noticing their various targets were tiring.

"Eat up my pretties!" Zetsumei smiled crazily at the closest shark, which, in turn lunged to attack the closer prey.

A gun sounded and a small feathery dark intercepted the shark seconds before it tore off Zetsumei's head. It landed with a splash in the water. Three more shots rang out as the other sharks were hit. Zetsumei flipped out.

"Hey! Who did that?! Who dares mess with the Great Zetsumei's plans?! Who has the nerve to mess with me?!"

A tall, dark skinned man strode up to him, fiddling with a small device in one hand, the other holding a slightly smoking gun.

"Uno! What… You… Guh… PETA WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!" Zetsumei shouted, for lack of anything else to say to his friend.

Uno looked towards the bikers, clicking a button on the device.

"I've tranquilized the sharks and restored the bike functions." He shouted at Hikaru.

"Good!" She shouted back. "Contestants, please continue while we deal with certain nuisances."

The game continued as it was originally created to be played.

"Hey! Listen to me!" Zetsumei shouted at Uno. "You can't just shoot the sharks! PETA will torch your house!"

Uno looked over at Zetsumei, peering intently through dark sunglasses.

"Speaking of PETA. They wanted a word with you. They're on line one. Something about protection revoked…"

Zetsumei turned pale and began running for the house. A sudden explosion marked the death of a particular blue car sitting in the driveway of the mansion. Zetsumei fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! DAMN YOU PETA!!!!!" He shouted at the sky.

Off to the side, Hank had stopped filming the swimmers remaining efforts in order to film the more interesting drama of the crazy owner of the mansion. Uno checked his gun and then fired at Zetsumei. A small feathery dark hit him in the butt and he collapsed on the pavement. He strode back over to Hikaru as the swimmers began to retrace their steps through the obstacle course.

It was now a race of stamina, as all the contestants had been exhausted by the random difficulty increase. Nanaki, with his loathing of the water, sped through the obstacle course in an attempt to get out as soon as possible. However, as he was trying to get out of the pool, he slipped, splashing noisily back in with a yelp. This allowed Tifa, who was a good deal more fit than the others to pull ahead and rush over to release Vincent. Nanaki scrambled out of the water t unlock Cait. As he unlocked Cait's chain, Hikaru mused at the amazing dexterity Nanaki had in opening the lock. Perhaps it was out of a desperation to dry off, or, more likely, it was in a rage to kill Cait. Yuffie clambered out of the pool third and opened Sephiroth's chain, leaving Aeris and Cloud fourth, or last depending on how you decided to look at the contestants. Thoroughly exhausted, they trudged back to the mansion for a warm meal and bed, most seriously reconsidering their decision to join this game.

Following them was Hikaru and Uno. They lifted Zetsumei and tossed him onto a small board in the pool. They pushed it gently and it drifted slowly into the midst of the unconscious sharks.

"Five bucks says they wake first." Hikaru said.

"You're on." Uno smirked. "I say he'll wake at the same time they do."

The laughed slightly as they walked back towards the mansion, with Hank leaving viewers with one last look at the sleeping Zetsumei on a board in the middle of the pool surrounded by sharks.

"What took you so long to get here?" Hikaru asked Uno.

"Apparently this game started on the 19th."

Cloud/Aeris: 1

Vincent/Tifa: 9

Barret/Cid: None (Could not participate).

Nanaki/Cait Sith: 8

Yuffie/Sephiroth: 9

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Me: And that's that! I'm surprised I managed to write yet another chapter… to any of my stories really. Hope you liked this chapter. More to come if I feel weird enough to write another chapter. Review and Wait!

Side Note: Next Chapter of Exile is almost done… then… I'll probably go on another indefinite hiatus for lack of inspiration… well have fun :P


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